Is London safe to host the Olympics?

In March 2010, isolated areas in SA experienced outbreaks of violence, with impoverished township residents protesting lack of basic services when they knew the world was watching and would pay attention. They did this by setting fire to, and destroying, the limited facilities that they did have access to. I'm not denying, condoning or playing down the violence that erupted. It left me feeling sick to the stomach. 

European and UK press jumped on the story with glee. Reporting extensively, particularly in light of South Africa's upcoming World Cup hosting.

The SA attacks were labeled 'xenophobic' and the several members of the international community decided that this meant SA was not fit to host a major tournament. Especially as all tourists and spectators were going to be slaughtered. 


Another angle of delight was the white-on-black hysteria, reporting that thousands of white farmers were being killed on a daily basis in SA, in a war "that you won't read about in your World Cup holiday brochure". 


Even once we got through the World Cup without incident, the UK press weren't going to let go of the "natives are restless" narrative that easily. SA was left 'bracing itself' for post-World Cup violence, "as police numbers [were] scaled down after the tournament".

Cut to just over a year later. The world remembers a highly successful tournament with very noisy implements called "voo-vah-zeee-lahs". Or similar mispronunciation.

In the last four days, several areas in the UK experienced outbreaks of violence, with various groups of youths destroying property and looting shops. It is yet to be determined what they are actually protesting. I don't think they even know. All they know is that no one is stopping it. Authorities have been caught completely unprepared and now seem to be in a state of shock as to how to deal with the large-scale ransacking.

And now the SA press is reporting about concerns for security in London's Olympic hosting for next year. My how the tables have turned. 

My favourite headline so far: "Tottenham rioters aged just seven". Considering the sensational nature of The Sun, one should take the content with a pinch of salt, but I can also fully accept that very young children have been running rampant in these areas. And why the hell not? If their parents are barely out of their teens... which is also highly likely ... then their mum and dad "yoofs" are probably running with the wolves too. 


This is a sign of a nation in distress; a nanny state crying out for discipline. A truncheon and an Alsatian on a leash are not going to quell this in a hurry. 


I could never support police brutality, just as I could never condone domestic violence. But there is a difference between abuse and discipline. It's a fine line, but an important one. Without proper means of dispersion the looters are in control, and will remain so. And they know it. 

We're revolting

Dear Social Media, how about a spot of rioting and shop-looting this evening?  

Things have kicked off, you see, 'cos a number of us were a bit put out about the killing of a youth. We don't really know what happened in the shootout, but you know.. the coppers don't have the greatest track record of asking questions first, shooting later. So there was a walk of solidarity for the victim and those affected, just while we waited for the actual investigation. 

Haha, who am I kidding... Who cares about the investigation? We know it was all about racial profiling. It always is. 

So anyway, there was this walk. And you know, when there are more than 5 people in a mob, the average intelligence is the square root of the lowest IQ in the group. So all it takes is one knob-head to kick a dustbin and next thing you know, there's a whole lump of electronics spilling out in to the street from a busted window and well... they don't put the shit stuff in the display. 

And it was fun, you know?. It was powerful. Running wild, kicking stuff, grabbing shit. Have you ever smashed a car windscreen in, just because it's there and everyone around you is on a similar rampage of destruction? Can you imagine the rush? I bet you can't. It fucking beats sitting at home on the dole, I'll tell you that much. 

You slowly become aware of the pigs standing guard in the distance. Maybe you don't hear the sirens, but you will notice the dogs. They're watching, holding their riot line. Waiting... incapacitated, knowing that the outraged cry of police brutality is just one over-reaction away. If they strike, even in defence, it has to be controlled. But we don't have such rules. We're don't have to hold back.

So they have to bide their time as you run amok. They can't make the first move. They're scared, you can see that, if you get close enough to look behind each plexiglass helmut. You can see it, you know... The Fear. 

You don't want to get arrested, or identified though... There is that. But if you keep your head down and your face covered, who are you but a set of rage-empowered eyeballs in the mob? No one. Nameless. Faceless. But so powerful. 

So we're doing it again. It's a fucking fantastic rush. Anarchy. 

We're striking out against The Man. 

We're revolting. 

No. Don't give me this crap about taking our grievances to the council. Why the fuck would we converge on those buildings, what's to be had in there? Nah. We're talking more local, in the 'hood.... you want to hit the High Street. The looting is much better. 

See you there. 

French make toyi-toying look like child's play

I am not Sam. I don't eat eggs and ham. But here... I .... am.

No apologies this time. I've had complaints, I've ignored the cries and you all got over it. I don't know why I don't blog any more. I still rant. It's not like I've run out of material. There's plenty to get angry about. I just don't care to put it on the blog. Does this make me a bad person? Unarguably, yes. Do I care? Not even slightly.

Latest rant topic: The French.

I don't know many French citizens. Those I do know, I like. But as a nation, I hate the French. I do not understand their accent, and they don't understand mine. Once I've given up trying to communicate in broken basic French, I switch to the classic s-l-o-w and LOUD tourist English, well known to all western travellers. And invariably the French person I'm trying to speak to, asks me if I can speak English rather. This really, really annoys me.

I also don't like the French because they take striking and rioting to a whole new level. Please don't give me that shit about "it only happens in Africa". Things fall apart and people do stupid mob activities everywhere. But particularly well in France.

They are currently demonstrating (read: burning cars and generally looting with gay abandon) because they do not want the retirement age to go from 60 years up to 62, amongst other obstructive and uneducated demands. Never mind the fact that France has the lowest age of state pension (and therefore the longest burden of retirement on the state) than any other country IN THE WORLD; and, like every other European country, are currently staring down the barrels of a very large budget deficit. Never mind all that. They don't want to have to compromise to save their own flipping arses down the line. So unions are bringing the economy to a standstill, because they are too short-sighted to realise that if the amount of years worked is not extended across the population, there won't be any pension to claim anyway.

But I'm sure when they look back from their rotting and neglected rocking chairs at the age of 90, retired for 30 years and eating cat food out of the tin, they'll stutter to themselves, "hey, didn't we have fun blockading and burning and generally running amok back in 2010? We got our way and it was totally worth it."

It's never cool to know that you are going to be doing a shit job with shit pay for longer than you expected. Newsflash: every other country is going through similar reforms. It sucks but it's happening everywhere.. a little economic phenomenon called a recession. You might've heard about it? Pension ages are rising. State funding is being cut. Jobs are being lost. But the French are being a nation of whining, temper-tantrum throwing pre-teens about it, because apparently they don't deserve to have it happen to THEM.

Mostly the French irritate me because, due to their little frothy fit that they are currently throwing, I might not have a train to catch to visit my boyfriend in France next week. And then I'll be really upset with the whiny, whingy nation of nancy-pancy striking bastards.

See...? The rage is still there.

This article irritates me. Here's why:

Trailing American Christin Wurth-Thomas by some 20 metres with just 100 metres remaining, Semenya breezed past effortlessly to win with several strides to spare in a world-class time of 1min 59.90sec.

- telegraph.co.uk

Yes, it's from the Telegraph, so yes, I shouldn't have even read it.
Most of their submissions irk me. But I'm already in rant mode and there's no off-switch.

1) "It's obviously a human rights issue but human rights affect everyone in the race, not just one person," said Britain's Jemma Simpson, who finished fourth in 2min 0.57sec. "The rest of the field just gets ignored."

Okay, first things first. Jemma came fourth. So apparently she only has grievances with one person who beat her - what about the other two? Is she standing up for fellow athletes, or just irritated because she (personally) has no means of competing with Semenya?

2) "As athletes we feel frustrated because everyone is allowed to give their opinion except us," said [Diane] Cummins. "If we give an honest opinion, we're either seen as bad sports or we're not happy because we're being beaten.”

Diane came 8^th. So not only can she not compete with Semenya, she couldn’t compete with most of the field. So yes, Diane. You as a sore loser.

3) She adds: "Even if she is a female, she's on the very fringe of the normal athlete female biological composition from what I understand of hormone testing. So, from that perspective, most of us just feel that we are literally running against a man."

Fair enough. From what I have read in the papers, Semenya does border just on the female side of the chromosomal balance. But I would be very interested to see the results of similar tests for other female athletes, such as Mauresmo, the Williams sisters, a number of female hockey players (certainly the ones I used to play against.. I couldn't keep up with the national players. Hmmm... they must've had male hormones, it can't possibly have had anything to do with my natural talent - or lack thereof) and a few gymnasts to boot.

4) "It is certainly frustrating to be running against someone who seems to be doing it effortlessly," said Cummins. "We all believe that Caster Semenya, pushed to her full potential, could break the world record.”

Sorry, Diane… what was that? You resent her for beating you with ease? All I could hear was - Sore. Loser.

5) "That's [the women's 800m world record] 1:53, and that's what college guys are running. From that perspective, she's far superior to any female 800 metres runner we've ever had."

So what you’re saying, Diane, is that it is physically impossible for top world class female athletes to run against college-level (i.e. second rate) male athletes? Any woman who can do that is clearly a man? But clearly, someone has done it before because the record is there to be broken...

In 1976, a Russian lady called Tatyana Kazankina set the world record at the Montreal Olympic Games in the 800m, running 1:54:94. In 1980 Nadezhda Olizarenko (also from Russia) set a world record and also her personal best over 800 metres with 1:53.43; which record stood until 1983, when it was bettered by Jarmila Kratochvílová.

Kratochvilova entered a one-off 800m race in Munich, reportedly as a training exercise. She broke the world record with a run of 1:53.28 - with ease. At the World Championships 10 days later, she won the 800m easily (in what is still the 5th best time ever in the event). Kratochvílová's 800m time is still the official world record, and is currently the longest standing individual world record in any track and field event.

Several other female athletes who would’ve whipped a few college-level male athletes’ butts before even giving you, Missus I-Came-Nowhere, a second glance. Kratochvilova’s record stood for over two decades without anyone griping about her being a man.

Basically, everything is impossible - until someone proves it otherwise. Breaking the four-minute mile was considered an impossible barrier... until Roger Bannister did it in 1954. Since then, it's become a competitive standard. Surely everyone knows the improbability of Ussain Bolt's records - and he was setting world records in his teens.

Again, I don’t deny or refute that Semenya has gender issues. She has had to undergo serious hormonal treatments and medication, in order to compete on the international field. You can be sure everyone from the officials, to competitors, to the public will be watching every single thing that Semenya ingests, digests and subsequently ejects before race day.

Call me a cynic but it’s no small secret that professional athletes (male or female) do everything in their power to aid their competitive edge. A vitamin here, a blood transfusion there… it seems to me these girls are griping because Semenya has an edge over them naturally (in the loosest use of the term). Unfortunately their performance enhancing efforts can’t get them to the same level as a testosteronerally-weakened Semenya. And they’ve got fat sulky lips about it. Boo. Frikking. Hoo.

This sport is full of Kaka

Okay, I have to take a deep breath before writing this. It is not going to be objective - no pretense of that - but I am going to try to keep it lucid. I am going to try to explain why I don't make a habit of watching football/soccer on a more regular basis.

The sport itself is truly skilled. While most people in the world have trouble running in a straight line, these guys do it (not necessarily in a straight line, which makes it even more impressive) while propelling and controlling a ball - avoiding the overwhelming evolutionary temptation to simply pick the damn thing up. Also footballers are uber-fit, arguably some of the fittest athletes in the world. And yet, most top level footballers take pride in portraying themselves as eleven-year-old nancy-girls, desperate for sympathy from their overbearing mothers.*

I hate the fact that players are molly-coddled with a pet prodigy kind of affection when they make a habit of diving and performing after they've taken a glancing blow. I don't have a problem with actively looking for a penalty. Yes, it's frustrating - for both the fans and the player who has been forced into a wrongful position. But I think that is all part of the mental strategy of sport. Rugby teams do it. And I'll be the first to admit that I've put a few balls on to unsuspecting feet in the hockey-D (and received a fair few too). It happens.

But I hate that football (not soccer - I think that countries who still call it soccer are not [as] guilty of this) has made a culture of theatrical dives. Prima donna rolling and writhing is acceptable behaviour for a professional, grown man. This, in my eyes, puts international footballers on the same level as "professional" wrestling. When they do actually get hurt, I feel something similar to gloating... I feel like they deserve a little pain. Does that make me a bad person?

Don't get me wrong. I don't for one second think that these footballers can't handle pain. There's no doubt in my mind that they can. They are professional athletes, you don't get to that level without a little eina. Drogba is currently playing with a "FIFA-approved cast on his elbow". That's pretty hardcore. But the fact that they put such effort into acting hurt... that's what makes my blood boil. Just play the bloody sport. You've got the skill, we all know that. Now use it.

I've watched most of the World Cup games. I love the vibe. I've even downloaded a Vuvuzela app on my Koekie Kumquat... so that when Cloggies or Poms complain to me about the darn "South African trumpets" I can respond noisily without saying a word. But when I watch a South American team playing, I am reminded of why I cannot watch this sport on a regular basis. Because I cannot handle the theatrics every time someone so much as nudges past their elbow.

This is what I see on the screen:

It starts with a gentle tap from an opposition player in a stationary position... and the Brazilian is off! First, he opens the routine by pirouetting three times on the spot. Then he seamlessly bends his knees, crouches forward, and springs into elegant dive, twisting one-and-a-half times before planting his hands firmly on ground and completing seven elegant head-over-heels tucks... before eventually coming to a rocking stop, writhing back and forth while wailing and clutching at his left knee. No, it's his right knee.... No, it's his ankle - his left ankle must surely be broken! Bring on the stretcher! Oh... wait... it appears that no foul was awarded. He's shaking his head in disorientation and disgust, but after several months of therapy he may just be able to walk. He's up... he's limping... for all of one-and-a-half steps. Oh, he's fine.

(Hey, I warned this wasn't going to be objective. )

Once they've finished flailing on the ground and nobody has sufficiently bought their Raspberry Award winning act to give them a free kick, they decide that this is clearly because the ref simply can't see more than 30cm in front of his face. Which is something that we have all thought at some point in just about every sport. The footballers remedy this situation by aggressively demonstrating their case by shouting and flailing their arms directly in to the face of the ref. Again, this frustration is something that translates to every sport - but the difference is that even if you don't agree with the decision, in other sports (rugby, hockey, tennis) he who holds the whistle (or the mic, in tennis) has the final say. Massive, single-celled tighthead props might offer a monosyllabic objection to a rugby ref, but that's it. It's not a discussion, it's a decision. Footballers don't respect the ref, and I just can't bring myself to accept that.

I hate that Kaka got a red card in the recent Brazil-Ivory Coast game. The Brazilians had been diving as their livelihoods depended on it (as they do), and the Africans were getting visibly more and more agitated by this football style. Eventually one of the Ivory Coast players played them at their own game. He took a (horrible, over-dramatised) dive. Kaka got carded for it. Subsequently the Brazilians were the victims of an unjust decision and the Ivory Coast team were villified for their "cynical" behaviour. Say what now?? When the Brazilians were theatrically tripping over their own toes, the commentators were playfully offering constructive criticism on their diving technique. I wish the Africans hadn't played The Samba Kings at their own game, but they did. And they did it better.

But that match, and the way it made my blood boil, epitomises why I do not watch more football in a football-mad world. I would love to see a siting regulation set up for footballers. Where, upon subsequent TV-footage review, they could be penalised, post-match, for "cynical" and unsportsmanlike behaviour. In my happy (wishful) world - diving / tripping over your own feet / sending a swift elbow to your marking opponent's solar plexus would get you banned for the next three or four games, depending on perceived intention and severity. Then maybe I'd start watching.

But as it currently stands, I have full respect for the sport... I just have no respect for the players.

* Here's a video montage of some great nancy-girl Raspberry winning examples:

TGIF... yesterday

I spent the whole of yesterday thinking it was Friday. The realisation - when it finally happened at 4.30 PM - assaulted me like the full frontal vision of a flasher in a playground. It was not pretty. I had even written a post about it being TGIF, which it was not. I lost interest after that.

How messed up can my calendar-clock be... especially as it's been a short week anyway. I spent the whole of Tuesday thinking it was Monday, and then spent the whole of Thursday thinking it was Friday. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Alien abduction. It's the only realistic explanation for my confusion.

Ag man, what a shutty week to not be in SA. I feel so left out. No one's threatened to touch any one on a Dutch TV studio. And no one's petulantly thrown any journalist out for asking questions at a press conference (serious thought though: why didn't the other journos show any solidarity? There must be more to this story than what we're seeing on youtube).

However, I do get the impression that there's actually a lot more happening in South Africa, when viewed from the outside. Does that make any sense? Let me try to explain... Some of the UK and Dutch press are merrily flinging poep about how the SA situation is so much more violent and volatile now that ET has been killed. But yet, despite this, people living in South Africa (outside of Ventersdorp) are not preparing for the onslaught of a race war. I spoke to a friend earlier today when she was at the shops and was horrified to learn that she was not stocking up on tinned goods. How will she survive when the country implodes?

To my friends and family living in SA - did you know that you are currently living through increased turbulence and violence? No, really.... stop going about your daily lives and pay attention. What do you mean all skin colours are still mixing and using the same entrances and facilities?? Clearly you are not aware that the English football team have been personally threatened with machetes when they arrive next month? Yes, that's right. It's not about you, or He Who Shall Not Be Named, or the Only White Baboons. It's about the England fans and players. They are the real targets here. Also, Dutch supporters have been warned not to wear orange as this will draw attention to them as 'tourist boers'. Because the fanny packs, black socks and jesus-sandals won't do enough to highlight that.

Fortunately, the papers conveying these messages are not exactly known for their political analysis. They are more readily known for their page three models (top-heavy plain Janes, without a concern for modesty). So readers of such papers aren't likely to be going to the World Cup anyway, as they don't have passports and can't be asked to relocate their caravans.

Okay. I said I was going to step away from the politics. But I can't.
It's too entertaining.

And as for that petty Visagie/eNews performance... Only in South Africa can a racially and culturally charged incident become a joke - and a dance remix - in under 24 hours. The term, "too soon for jokes" holds no weight when it comes to idiotic statements and bumbling buffoons of all shapes and colours. This is a splendid thing, because it means that (despite what we might bitch and moan about) we do actually enjoy freedom of speech in SA.

Puerile politicking aside, we do make me proud sometimes.

Another one to add to the list

To reference a former Apartheid Minister (Jimmy Kruger), the death of Terre'blanche "leaves me cold". As of this weekend, the man has been added to my Why are we still giving these idiots free press? list. I had a similar reaction to the major hoopla around the death of Michael Jackson. I know they were in no way comparable during their lifetimes (other than the fact that both had an unhealthy fixation on being whiter-than-white), but as far as I'm concerned they were both pathetic and pitiful characters, years if not decades, before they died.

I am not glad that he's dead, not by any means. I genuinely don't care. It's a horrible story, but the fact that he was "hacked to death" seems blatantly obvious that this was not in retaliation to He Who Shall Not Be Named singing out-dated resistance songs. This was a personal vendetta, and let's be honest... ET wasn't one for making cross-cultural friends, was he?

Despite the fact that the Dutch press are still incorrectly reporting that "Blank Zuid Afrika wil moord wreken" (White South Africa wants to avenge murder), I'm glad to see that the actual revenge call has been retracted by the AWB* (are these people still clinging onto this whole ideal? I thought they had fizzled into nothingness). The headline was in the Metro Nieuws this morning and for a moment I couldn't read further, due to the pulsating red that had clouded my vision. Being a blank Zuid Afrikaanse myself, I had to take a few lustrating breaths to refrain from screaming out loud. It was a small taste of how Muslims must feel every time they see a headline implying that Islam equals terrorism. Do. Not. Generalise. I am not one of THEM.

I'm not saying that the murder should be ignored. It must be investigated and I genuinely hope that justice is served. But there is a page on the BBC allowing readers to have their say on whether ET's death will "lead to further instability" in SA, and there seem to be a lot of people on the interweb who do actually think this could well be the case. I really think this is giving a sad old bigot too much credit. Hayibo.com says it best (as they usually do): Outpouring of apathy as 49 non-neo-Nazi South Africans also murdered.
Allemachtig, please don't turn him into a martyr. He didn't die fighting for a fascist and out-dated cause. More likely, he was killed because he was a mean bastard of an employer. There's a substantial difference.

*Alleen Wit Bobbejaans

Can we really learn from our past?

A few years ago, I went to the Apartheid Museum. It was mortifying, horrific, shocking and wonderful. All at once. But the exhibition that struck me - and has stuck with me the most - was the archive footage of international news broadcasts. This is what the outside world was seeing, while we - the white folk in South Africa - were obliviously listening to the news Riaan Cruywagen was presenting, on a need-to-know basis. And there was a lot that the government felt we didn't need to know. Watching those news broadcasts, aired at the time in Europe and America, I could finally understand (at least to some degree) why foreigners have on occasion looked at me with such disgusted interest when they learn that I grew up in Apartheid.

Disgusted interest. I think that describes it quite well. "You're white. And South African. You're a racist bigot. What was it like?"

I'm not saying that whiteys had absolutely no idea of what was happening. They knew something was up, but it was certainly a sheltered knowledge. The fact that there were violent uprisings out 'there' was sometimes reported on TV, but it was shown as ANC and IFP, political - dare we say, tribal - clashes.... not a rebellion fighting the oppressive regime. The extent, the circumstances, the socio-political causes were simply not comprehended by most of the lighter bretheren. As a kid, I knew something was happening because we had to practice "bomb drills" in case the violence actually did get to our school in sheltered suburbia. Although, to this day, I still do not understand what sitting under your desk, holding your hands over your ears and chanting "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so..." will do in the case of a mob or bomb attack.

These days we know about the mechanisms of Apartheid, the press censorship, the media who succumbed or didn't ... about journalists who obstinately and blatantly argued that we were not getting the full story in our own country, printing "blanked out" sentences in their own publications to try to show that information was being withheld. About people who fought and died for their cause.

Back then, they didn't have the Internet. But you can be sure, if they did, they would've used it. Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and Wikipedia have all become examples of news disseminating media globally. These days every news website has an opinion section. Almost every story can be commented and further opined upon. And boy, there are a lot of opinions out there. The fact that we can see all these postulations, right or wrong, means that we have freedom of speech and similarly freedom of press. In case you were wondering, that's a good thing.

Reporters Without Borders, a transnational organisation that monitors press freedom internationally, indicates that more than one third of the world's population currently live in countries that do not allow press freedom. The good news is that at this stage, South Africa is not one of those countries. But we were.

He Who Shall Not Be Named (because people are already paying too much attention) is trying to bring us back to those days. Although, to be honest, I think that statement allows him too much precognitive credit. I don't truly think that he is actively trying to destroy press freedom in South Africa. I think he is just too stupid to realise the repercussions of what he is inciting with his every breath into a mic. He has no education, he has not one modicum of common sense (as demonstrated on a daily basis in the public domain), but unfortunately he has become an over-sized mouth piece to a similarly uneducated demographic of our population.

He is a representative of the ANC, who in turn represent the proud nation that Nelson Mandela amalgamated with so much love and dedication... but his actions represent nothing less than a return to atrocities committed during Apartheid... which is the polar opposite to what Madiba envisaged. The thought makes me angry.

This is me taking my stand against that day returning.

You can find out more about the inspiration behind this post, here.

Just a few others who've also spoken out

http://thoughtleader.co.za/siphohlongwane
http://rwrant.co.za
http://vocfm.co.za/blogs/munadia/
http://vocfm.co.za/blogs/shafiqmorton/
http://blogs.news24.com/needpoint
http://capetowngirl.co.za
http://thoughtleader.co.za/sentletsediakanyo
http://thoughtleader.co.za/davidjsmith
http://letterdash.com/one-eye-only
http://boyuninterrupted.blogspot.com
http://amandasevasti.com
http://blog.empyrean.co.za/
http://letterdash.com/brencro
http://6000.co.za
http://chrisroper.co.za
http://pieftw.com
http://hamishpillay.wordpress.com
http://memoirs4kimya.blogspot.com
http://thoughtleader.co.za/azadessa
http://watkykjy.co.za
http://fredhatman.co.za
http://thelifeanddeathchronicles.blogspot.com/
http://blogs.timeslive.co.za/common-dialogue/
http://www.clivesimpkins.blogs.com/
http://mashadutoit.wordpress.com
http://nicharalambous.com
http://sarocks.co.za
http://blogs.timeslive.co.za/stompies/
http://helenmoffett.book.co.za/blog/
http://01universe.blogspot.com
http://groundwork.worpress.com
http://iwrotethisforyou.me
http://fionasnyckers.book.co.za
http://attentiontodetail.wordpress.com
http://blogs.women24.com/editor
http://www.missmillib.blogspot.com
http://snowgoose.co.za
http://dreamfoundry.co.za
http://www.vanoodle.blogspot.com
http://www.exmi.co.za
http://cat-dubai.blogspot.com
http://alistairfairweather.com
http://www.zanedickens.com
http://www.nickhuntdavis.com
http://guysa.blogspot.com
http://book.co.za
http://baldy.co.za
http://skinnylaminx.com
http://blogs.african-writing.com/zukiswa
http://www.mielie.wordpress.com
http://blogs.timeslive.co.za/gatherer/
http://thoughtleader.co.za/sarahbritten
http://stii.co.za
http://blogs.news24.com/FSB_AP
http://twistedkoeksuster.blogspot.com
http://whensmokegetsinyoureyes.blogspot.com/
http://trinklebean.wordpress.com
http://commentry.wordpress.com/
http://matthewbuckland.com
http://blogs.news24.com/colour-me-fran
http://gormendizer.co.za
http://helenmoffett.book.co.za/blog/
http://www.harassedmom.co.za
http://ravingfans.co.za
http://khadijapatel.co.za
http://simon.co.za/speakza
http://gnatj.com
http://moralfibre.co.za
http://www.exmi.co.za
http://champsheathen.blogspot.com/
http://sa-essay.blogspot.com/

Nationale Hoerendag

Hey everybody - Happy National Prostitution Day! Streetwalkers and ladies of the night be proud, as the BNN (a Dutch broadcaster) calls for equal recognition of the oldest profession in the world. Their general shout out is, "if you get a National Secretary Day, why is there not a National Prostitution Day?" And they have a point, don't they? So this is me doing my bit to say, give your hooker a bunch of flowers and maybe a nice card today. She's worth it.

Moving on.

Facebook. I like it. I use it a lot. I particularly like the photo update section because this is where I can see who has just been to a wedding, who's put up their connubial shoot, who's updated pics of their sprogs. I am not a hypocrite, just because I don't want these for myself it doesn't mean I don't enjoy seeing such updates in my friend's lives. But at the moment, the only photo updates I can see on that particular page are "who has peeped your profile" compilations. It is driving me nuts. I don't care. I don't care who's looking at who's profile within my circle and I certainly don't care which friends are looking at other completely random profiles. And most of the updates are not on my friend's themselves but merely because they've been gawking Whothehellcare's profile. Of the 16 places available, three are ligit photo updates today. I can't wait for this fad to fizzle or implode, so that I can actually get back to cyber-stalking my friends online. Because that's what Facebook is all about, innit?

That said... maybe this profile peeper thing could have its merits. F'instance: if someone gets tagged on their ex's profile and then their current girl/boyfriend starts throwing a hissy fit (preferably publicly, as a comment on the actual photo compilation, so that I can read it please) because they always knew that he/she still had a thing for him/her.... yesssss, this could have possibilities. And that's definitely what Facebook is all about - laughing at people losing the plot on public domain. Okay, maybe the Profile Peeper can stay - but it'd better start providing some worthy entertainment soon.

In other news, it's recently been established that I can't count. This is what happens when you don't edit wot you right. You develop eleventy fingers. True story.

Know your passport, Mr Armstrong

Last night, Mills had a little mini-rant (mini, in comparison to the rage he flies into about hippies and Australian and Australian hippies), about a tweet that he saw from Lance Armstrong: "Well, made it in to SA. Not the friendliest welcome I've ever received but we've all seen immigration officers like that."

You see, Lance's passport was full so there was nowhere for the SA official to stamp on his entry. Apparently you are supposed to have at least two blank pages when entering SA, and I think this stands for several other countries too. Yes, it does feel that some of these regulations are in place simply to inconvenience us (me) personally. Yes Lance, we've all had our experience with pain-in-the-ass immigration officers. Trust me... every single bloody time I take a step to the left or the right. But it's highly unlikely that any passport official in any country would let it slide. Can you imagine? Sitting with their little dated stamp ready to whack down on any available spot, licking their lips in anticipation of their important step in your commute... until they realise that there is nowhere to stamp....

"Oh I give up," says the passport official with a wink and a smile as he hands back the unmarked pamphlet, in this hypothetical and completely-unrealistic situation, "so we'll just let you through this one time. We all know that passports are just another means of intergovernmental control anyway, ensuring that you will never find out who really instigated the 9/11 bombings and caused global warming. Have a nice day now!"

Not. Likely.

The fact is, annoying or not, your passport is full. It is not something that has a little monitor that beeps at you when you are starting to reach maximum capacity. It is something that you should consciously be aware of. As much as I hate airports, I love travelling, and I have to take responsibility for my travel documents. Even the almighty Lance Armstrong, be he a god in so many other fields, still has to assume mere mortal status and go through border control just like the rest of us bleeting sheep. As such, he or (if he really is far too busy and above checking his own documents) his PA or manager perpetrated a major oversight by not being aware that his passport is running out. This is not the fault of the poor bloody (admittedly bureaucratic because it's his bloody job) passport official. Incompetent he was not. He was just doing a shitty, shitty job and it was made all the worse because he had to do it to someone who is held in such infallible high esteem. Sucks to be you, dude.

Unlike people with an EU/GB or US passports, who often take visa-less entry for granted, I have the unenviable privilege of proving residence, gainful employment, liquidity and health clearance on an all too regular basis. With the various visas and permits ranging from EU to UK to US approval, the pages in my passport are worth at least R15,000 easily. Never mind the time, sweat, blood and tears that have gone into acquiring permission for each of those precious documents.

On our recent trip to SA, I realised that I only have five blank pages remaining in my passport. The rest are full. Choc-a-blok. Considering that I've only had it for four years, the chances are very likely that my passport is going to fill up before the expiration date in 2016 and I'm guessing that there will not be a public outcry on my behalf when I am informed that entry is denied due to lack of stamping space. So, despite six years remaining, I have already put in an application for a passport renewal. Not just any renewal, I've asked for a maxi-pad, I mean maxi-passport. 64 pages, baby.

If anything, I have learnt to play embassies and consulates at their own game. I have a visa folder. It includes, but is not limited to:

Passports (old and current, relevant pages copied);
Dutch residence permit (in original and both sides copied);
South African ID book (and copy);
Unabridged birth certificate (certified and copied);
Certificate of non-marriage status (certified and copied, this is apparently important in the Netherlands for some reason);
Police clearance (certified and copied);
Three months of recent bank statements (and copies);
Letter of motivation for why I am applying for passport renewal/more pages in passport/visa for particular country;
Letter from employer indicating gainful and ongoing employment;
Letter from hosts in respective country (if appropriate);
Planned itinerary or booked flights (if appropriate);
At least four bio-metrically accepted ID photos (no teeth showing, no head gear, hair away from face, generally a peculiarly bemused facial expression);
Sometimes this folder will also include a letter from a doctor stating my continued health and (on one occasion) x-rays showing a TB-free set of lungs.

I smile, and have a friendly chat, and then absolutely drown them in paperwork. "... and here are two copies of my ID, here's by birth certificate in copy and original, here's my father's ID number and place of birth, here's my most recent pay slip and a copy for you, here's my contract indicating intention to extend... " Inevitably they don't know what to do with it all, hand it back and tell me my application has been approved.

So the maxi-passport will take up to 20 weeks (I nearly typed "20 years"... it feels about as long). But It's not a straight forward renewal - I've requested that I keep my current passport as it has at least three valid visas. So, I am hopefully going to have a massive passport for my stamp collection, as well as the old passport with the ongoing visas still running in that. I can't wait wait to explain that to passport control.

Maybe I'm too unsympathetic towards people who have no idea about when their passport will expire, or exactly what is required for entry into any given country. Maybe I'm far too aware of my passport, because I travel on third world status. I know that if I need a new visa in my passport I will need at least - at least - one blank double page. Not two pages somewhere in my passport, but two pages directly opposite each other.

I also know that if my passport is expiring within the next few weeks or months, I'm most likely not going to be allowed entry into various countries because they require that your passport run past a certain date after your expected date of return. This little point came as a rude surprise to a British friend who was recently not even allowed to board her plane for Cape Town as her passport expired within three weeks from that date. Here's a tip to any other international travellers to SA... not only do you need to have space to stamp in your passport, but you also need to be aware that it cannot expire within one month of your scheduled return date. They will not even let you on the plane.

It's not me... it's the system.

During my studies I spent a lot of time reading about parliamentary models and electoral procedures. I enjoyed the topics and even came to understand politics - in theory. But I still do not understand politics in practice. In practice, watching the people who actually do the politicking, I can only sigh.

Take Julius Melanoma for example. Why do people pay attention to him? Why do people support him? Stop putting him on a pedestal! If we all close our eyes and block our ears, he'll lose interest and hopefully start investigating an open electrical socket. Is he really going to be prepped for presidency? I'm not even going to pretend that IQ has anything to do with running a country. We all know that's bollocks (just ask the US of A). I just hope they get a better speech writer, and find some way to turn him off at appropriate moments. Unfortunately, Julius and I have one thing in common (the very thought is enough for me to revisit my mindset)... neither of us want to let go of our "youth". Step down Melanoma, you're no longer one of the young 'uns. Please stop moulding (in every sense of the word) their minds.

Before I become too worked up about this one particular individual, let's look outside of SA politics. Can you guess where the following gents are from?

1. A criminal history from his teens, including assault and robbery (the convictions were later overturned, but have subsequently been revisited due to a question of 'falsification of court documents'); formerly Prime Minister, forced to step down in 2004 after a vote of no-confidence; accused of being accomplice (if not perpetrator) in the assault and rape of a woman in 2004; reinstated as Prime Minister in 2006 and most recently elected as President... is any of this sounding familiar?
2. Accused of inciting hate speech, bigotry, racism, banned for entry into the UK and currently (and quickly) gaining popularity amongst his constituents. Incidentally and interestingly, for all his hate speech against non-Aryans, he is of mix-race origin (isn't it always the case?). Also regularly accused of a very bad hair-do.
3. Without actually making it your full time job, I don't think anyone can keep track of the amount of times that this guy has been accused of fraud, propaganda, organised crime, falsification of records, corruption, bribery, adultery (including solicitation of prostitutes)... the list just goes on and on and on... I think when it comes to political sleazebags, he tops the lot.

Drum roll please....

1. Viktor Yanukovych. Formerly PM, now President of the Ukraine.
2. My local pet peeve: Geert Wilders, currently gaining power and notoriety in local elections in the Netherlands.
3. Silvio "gives me the absolute chills just thinking about him" Berlusconi. Prime Minister of Italy since 2008.

And they're all in Europe.

I think what bothers me the most is is not the fact that these are men who are blatantly in it for the betterment of themselves (unlike Malema, who is only driving a C-class Merc as a political statement against all those racist and slutty people set on destroying his good name), but they have all had a history of being corrupt or violent or just plain idiotic BEFORE they were voted into power. So the masses accepted this and said with a shrug, "meh, there's no one else to vote for", or they don't vote at all and just let the said-politician bulldoze their way past any opposition.

Bear this in mind when lambasting the state of politics in South Africa. More than it being a problem with 'our' government, I think it's just the type of personality that politics attract. Would you want to get into politics? Why not? Probably because you can't bear the thought of being involved in that name-calling, mud-slinging, self-marketeering environment. But who would that appeal to? More often than not it's self-aggrandising 'entrepeneurs' who end up representing you, me and country. While we cringe.

I'm not saying that all politicians are wince-worthy. I like to think that there truly are some noble campaigners and I commend them for even trying to represent the people as Plato intended. I just don't think they last long in the system - they either get out or get sucked in to the dark side. The Malemas, the Wilders, the Berlusconis will somehow always float to the top. Unfortunately.

On women (and their bodies)

According to the BBC: "Abortion rates for women aged 40 to 44 match those for the under 16s, figures for England and Wales show."

The article goes on to state that this could be due to the health risks for both mom and foetus, but "anecdotal evidence" suggests that it generally just boils down to 'oh... I didn't realise I could still get pregnant at my age'.

It just blows me away - if you don't want to get pregnant, use contraception. It's really not hard. Internal, external, oral, hormonal et al. how many ways and means are there nowadays? You can pretty much use any orifice of your fancy (although this range of choice may get too complicated for some people... swallowing a diaphragm or putting a condom on a banana has not been known to help much. That said, if you can't figure out how to operate an IUD then you automatically fail the IQ/EQ test. Sirens should sound and you should be installed with a chastity belt which does the family planning for you. End parenthesis.).

I wonder if there is any social/cultural background correlation between teen pregnancies and the women who are having these 'Surprise! You're pregnant!' abortions in their forties. I'm guessing there is - which just goes to show that wisdom does not in fact come with age. I don't have issues with women who voluntarily (or actively) seek pregnancy in their mid to later years, but any woman in her forties who is "surprised" that unprotected sex has resulted in one up her spout deserves a severe swat to the forehead. Hormonal teenagers can get away with a claim of ignorance. You cannot. *FLICK*

Then...

... there is allegedly a motion in Australia to ban pictorial depictions of women with small breasts because "such images encourage pedophilia."

Now, I'm not sure how I feel about this. Being a woman with two very neatly proportioned A-cups, I feel enraged and belittled all at the same time. I have three personal interpretations of this supposed story:

1) What you're saying is that if a child molester ever accidentally caught a glimpse of my neat little noombies, I would get him (or her, I guess) all riled up? I find this very unlikely.
2) Okay, so what you're saying... because my boyfriend finds me attractive and quite likes to get a viewing (inadvertent or not), he has pedo-tendencies? Equally unlikely.
3) Full grown females with small boobs do not really count as full bodied "women" and cannot therefore been depicted as "adult". So... what you're saying is that I have a disability? In that case, I shall be applying to the Australian government, who seem to recognise this handicap, for compensation shortly.

No? So what exactly are you saying then?

To quote a friend on this matter, "it's like killing Aborigines to end discrimination".
Aaaah, now wouldn't that be funny if it were true... um... oh wait.

"Only in [insert appropriate country here]..."

Well, if I was feeling unjustly put-upon yesterday, just imagine how these students have been feeling. Being Iranian in origin, some universities in the Netherlands have decided that these learners cannot be allowed to study nuclear physics. I particularly love the infamous use of the ubiquitous "them" in the last paragraph:

Twente University went even further by closing its doors to all students from Iran, arguing it is impossible to keep them* away from open lectures.

[*my Italics]

I know it's just the way it was written by this source, but it always sounds like a judgment, doesn't it? Them. Those people. That kind. Generally uttered in hushed tones, while eyeballing one of them... whomever they happen to be on that particular occasion.

It's stories like this that make me realise that the application of idiotic, bureaucratic policies is not particular to South Africa. I can't say whether it should make you feel better or more horrified when you realise that governing systems are the same world wide.

Let's not forget the previous story about safety vests being handed out to immigrants of darker hue - which still makes me laugh every time I go outside looking like this:

Fortunately I am an immigrant of lighter hue, so people can see my pale skin reflected in their headlights... right?

Getting back to the Iranian students (many of whom are actually Dutch), I feel the need to point out that they are not completely ostracised in the Netherlands... at least they can still sign up for a T-Mobile contract.