Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Squirmalicious


That moment when you're eating lunch, look down on your plate and see a squirming worm making a break for it.

First thought. Where did that come from.. everything on my plate has either been in a sealed wrapper, the fridge, or the microwave.

Second thought. At least it's still whole, so I know I don't have the other half in my mouth.

Third, fourth and fifth thoughts. Is he alone? Are there others? Have I already eaten them?

Oh god. He (I don't know why or when he became male, but there it is) is still desperately trying to escape my plate. What do I do with him? Squish him? Tip him outside? Cook him? Would he taste better with butter, or coconut? Hmmm....

And thus ended lunch.


Monday, September 11, 2017

Testing... testing... is this thing on?


It's been a while.

I've been offline, figuring out life, staying under the radar.

I did a handstand the other day; it was the highlight of my day.

I took that as a sign that perhaps I should start at least thinking about being a functional adult again.

So, today is my first day back at work, after being completely offline for weeks. Inbox = zero. I'm rebooted and ready to go.

I got ready, paraphrasing Roald Dahl's lyrics to Red Riding Hood (because... this is my sound track in life apparently). Chanting merrily to myself...

I dressed myself in coat & hat, 
I put on shoes, and after that, 
I even brushed & curled my hair... 
then sat myself down in a chair. 

Well, tried to anyway.

In my best heels and donning lipstick, I got to the office, took a seat next to my colleague... and swiftly and efficiently, completely missed the chair.

Throwing bags and flailing limbs, I collapsed on the floor.

It's been so long, I've forgotten how to sit at a desk.

Ladies and gentlemen... I'm back.