Friday, June 24, 2011

Brolly Folly

I will remember today as "the day I gave a condom demonstration on the train". 

It was raining. I was running to catch a train. Thank god, I had my umbrella. It's black, with "Amsterdam" scrawled all over it. For those who aren't sure what an umbrella and matching cover look like: 

It's small enough to be handy, and has a matching black cover which means I can put back in my bag still damp, without anything else getting wet. It's kitch and shitty and only effective when there is absolutely no wind, otherwise it turns inside out. But today, for that 100m dash, it did was it was supposed to do, kept me very dry in a very heavy downpour. 

I jumped on the train, into a partially full carriage with a noisy group of boys jabbering in Spanish. I plonked opposite them, along with two Dutch men (both wore grey suits with brown shoes: national trademark). Once I'd gathered my breath and felt the brolly had dripped sufficiently dry, I took to folding it to put back in my bag. 

Disclaimer: I was not thinking about what I was doing, nor where I was. I was listening to an audiobook, engrossed in my imagination. 

I rolled up the umbrella, tied the cord around the middle. Then, because it was still slightly wet and I didn't want to put it flat across my jeans, I balanced the umbrella upright on my seat. Right between my legs. 

Sitting in very unladylike fashion and lost in my own world, I gripped the stocky brolly with one hand and with the other, slowly slid the cover over the top.

Still looking down at my lap, I suddenly realised what I had just done. I had effectively taken what at first glance could well have looked like a black dildo, put it between my legs and caressed a plastic cover over the top of it. 

Phallic Demo 101? Welcome to Amsterdam, kids. 

My hearing focused outwards, past the audio book still chattering away. There was awkward silence in the carriage, I definitely had everyone's attention. I couldn't hear the audio book any more, suddenly all I could hear was blood pounding my ears. Funny that, how you can hear yourself blushing? Just then, the train pulled into my station. I was the first off the carriage and I did not look back.

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