Wednesday, August 06, 2008


At 23.45 last night (well, tonight, seeing as I am now up), our crazy and inconsiderate neighbour upstairs decided it would now be appropriate to start cleaning their floor (our ceiling).

Words cannot describe how much I hate them for waking me up with their household chores. At least twice a week they scrape some sort of brush or metal object across their floor. Think about nails scraping down a chalk board, then reproduce that noise across every square inch of the ceiling. They are very thorough. This noise is annoying enough at 8pm on a week night, but when it wakes you up at midnight... then I think I could have just cause to plead mitigating circumstances in court.

I eventually gave up on trying to ignore the noise (previous experience shows that bashing a broomstick on the ceiling doesn't work, neither does actually going upstairs and telling them about the noise), so now I'm trying to think of ways for them to slowly, painfully - but most importantly, QUIETLY - curl up and die.
  1. Personal favourite - choking on the amonia fumes. Could claim it was a by-product of obsessive cleaning.
  2. Attacked by an unexpected swarm of African bees (unfortunately not the quietest option, but could still be satisfactory).
  3. This option will require more effort than the other two, but could result in a mental home: getting hold of their landline and then calling them at irregular hours... putting down the phone as I hear them reaching it upstairs.
  4. (or 3a.) Getting hold of their landline and then listing them as contact for as many items as possible on, stating that they only speak Swahili and therefore need to be spoken to very, very slowly.
  5. I am tempted to list falling off the balcony as one option, but that would just be in sick distaste. So scrap that.
  6. Hypertension (revenge for what they give me).

Any other suggestions welcome. Creative juices are slow, so I'm sticking with option 1 as my favourite choice for now.


kop said...

Put really long and sharp needles through the ceiling and hopefully they'll bleed to death without realising it?!

Eileen said...

Voodoo dolls, the odd snake skin left in strategic spots and lots of drumming.

Koekie said...

Oooh, drumming! I like it.

The only real revenge we have is when changing the bulbs in our light fitting, cos it makes such a horrible scraping noise on our ceiling. But it's such a bitch for us to get to, it's more effort than it's worth really.