Friday, September 29, 2006

Homicidal tendencies

First, a general disclaimer: I start work at a ridiculous hour. By and large, I don’t mind the work hour, but please please dear god please don’t try to talk to me. Nothing in my scowling expression or general body language says, ‘approach me, I won’t bite.’ I will bite. And I do.

I. Am. Not. A. Morning. Person.

Catch me after 9am and we’re good to go.

Right. Now that’s off my chest. I have another confession: never mind passive-aggresivo, I’m aggressive-aggresivo. This is why I play sport – it’s for the general good of the community, and keeps my police record clean.

Because I start work at a ridiculous hour, I get to finish work before evening rush hour – which means that I miss traffic both ways. And I live all of 2km from where I work. And I STILL have to remind myself to calm down every time I’m in the car.

Things I hate about Joburg traffic:

  • Robots are always out of sync, especially up Corlett Drive. It grates my carrot to the core.
  • Trucks that drive in the right hand lane when they’re not turning any time soon. (although in fairness, they’re probably sick of the stop-start taxi lane too)
  • Magic four-way flickers. If you’ve got your hazard lights on, you can do whatever you like, stop wherever and whenever you want. It’s like a preschool game: ‘Yooou can’t touch me, I’ve got my hazards on. Naa-nana-naaa-naaah!’ Grrrrr…
  • Pedestrians that cross the road without a care in the world. I don’t want to take out a pedestrian and I (touch wood) don’t plan to any time soon, but at least acknowledge the headlights and roaring engine bearing down on you. It’s only polite.
  • Wankers who don’t indicate.

Every day, I literally get into my car and have a heart-to-heart with myself. “I, Koekie, am going to make it home without swearing at anybody; without wishing a plague of pancreatitis on any fellow drivers; without thinking homicidal thoughts… Woooosaaaaah”

Seven minutes later, I’m angrily slapping on my indicator and wishing a plague of constipation on every taxi driver as I roar around the flashing magic hazards.

Woossaah, indeed. Summer hockey kicks off on Monday - and not a minute too soon.


montchan said...

sorry, it's me again...

You should try driving in New Jersey sometimes. Anybody should try driving in NJ at least once in their lives.

it would teach people to use their indicators in less time it takes to change lanes on the Turnpike.

A couple of times when the thug in the car behind you starts shooting at you because he's pissed that you turned without indicating, and the lesson will stick for life. Trust me.

Kop said...

How I miss the SA taxis. It was Xtreme driving Joburg