Scairy Tales

WARNING: The following post contains references to menstruation and PMS. Adult supervision is advised for those who think they can’t handle the truth.

You want the truth? The truth is that Little Red Riding Hood is a tale of the 28 day cycle.

First and most obviously, the red hood. Red. Get it? ‘Nuff said.

Second, Little Miss Red Riding Hood follows a ‘path’, along which she meets the Big Bad Wolf (a premenstrual warning of what’s to come). Things come to a head in dear Grandmamma’s cottage: Grandma dies, Miss Red dies, the wolf dies… it’s just a good ol’ fashioned American college bloodbath, any way you look at it. Right at the end, Miss Red and Grandma are magically rescued, ensuring another visit down the same path in a few week’s time.

Okay, not so much a truth as psychotic ramblings of a mad woman. But hell, if people can read sexual innuendo into Noddy, then I’m going to jazz up a few fairy tales.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. This story has been romantised. With her flaxen skin, black hair and blood-red lips (again with the blood-red), Snow White was nothing but a metaphor for female disparity. The original title (before the Brother’s Grimm got hold of it) was: The unpredictable nature of woman and her seven mood swings. Before the 1700s, children would merrily recite the well-known list of the seven aspects: Pissy, Soppy, Mopey, Gropey, Snappy, Happy and Bitch.

Snowy ended up in a deep slumber and was entombed in a glass grave above the ground. Read: everyone gave her a little space and Snow White took a time out for, say, about a week. After that she was a new woman.

Beauty and the Beast were actually the same person. Rapunzel was a cocktease. Hansel and Gretal was a self-help book on how to get rid of your kids.

I'm still working on the deconstruction of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.