Yesterday, I got into work to find that my computer wouldn't switch on. Push power button. Nothing. Check cables. Nothing. Get colleague involved, because chances are good that I'm being stupid. Nothing. Call IT. Confirm that I have tried to switch it on AND 'jiggled the cords'.
IT sends Bart. Bart presses power button. Looks surprised when computer doesn't turn on. "Hmm, it doesn't seem to have any power, have you checked the power source?" No. I was hoping I would be able to turn it on using nothing but mental telepathy.
Eventually we establish that the wires in the plug have pulled loose. What are the chances? Change plug. Computer working.
Open Outlook. Try to access shared folders and shared calendar schedules. Nothing. Call IT. All my shared access is gone. "What do you mean it's gone? Have you tried to click on the icon?"No, after years of computer competence, I thought that licking the screen would open the program. YES I CLICKED THE FUCKING ICON.
Hi Bart, how've you been since you were last sent to troubleshoot at my desk... 50 minutes ago? Good, good. Bart: "Hmmm, your shared folders are gone. It's not your fault, your rights have been removed somehow..." You don't say.
Do you ever get this feeling that everything is out to get you? I think technology hates me.
Sit down to make a phone call. Pick up nerdy headset (yes, I look like a call centre/Madonna gimp), no dialing tone. Check phone connections, jiggle cords. No dial tone.
Call IT/General Fix-it people. Hi Bart.
Bart tests headset. No dial tone. You'd think I was making this shit up. He certainly did. Jiggles cords, checks connections. Headset replaced.
Get home from work. Switch on computer. Click on Internet Explorer. Wizard function pops up. "How would I like to connect to the internet?" it asks me in convoluted Dutch. The same fucking way I've been connecting for the last two months please, I reply through clenched teeth.
Would I like to install my ADSL connection now?
No, I would not like to install my ADSL connection now, because I in fact made my ADSL connection TWO MONTHS AGO. With a great amount of translation-frustration, I might add.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. Mills tries to calm me down with a hug, and is treated to a string of expletives furiously muttered over his shoulder.
Technology hates me. If there is something random to go wrong, it'll happen to me. I'll admit that sometimes it is my fault (like repeatedly disconnecting myself from conference calls), but what are the chances of my computer's plug randomly disconnecting? The damn cord sits behind a set of drawers... it's not like someone could've dislodged it with a big toe. And what is with my computer suddenly deciding to uninstall it's internet connection? And who designs a computer program in Dutch anyway?
Computers hate me; it's a global conspiracy of 9/11 proportions. Or maybe it's just an acute case of persecution complex.