Final Ikeafication

Saturday was our LAST trip to IKEA. No more IKEA. IKEA-ed out.

We got there early, before the doors even opened and found ourselves in a crowd of similarly-minded shoppers. I immediately regretted not kitting ourselves out with whistles and walkie-talkies.

What fascinates me is how many people seem to treat IKEA as a day out experience. They walk four-abreast, enjoying the stroll through the bedding and cushions, stopping for coffee, encouraging their 3-year-old to roll around like a retard under other people's legs and trolley wheels. Who needs to go to the park when you've got IKEA?

Mills and I rushed around grabbing things and putting them in our trolley as fast as possible - we had a Super14 Final to make. Our momentum came to a grinding halt when we came to the till. I blame Mills, he blames me. Short story: me + one small bag of decorative marble stones + 6 wine glasses. Combine these elements within a 2m radius and wait for the crash. Usually I make it all the way to the parking lot before breaking anything, but our check-out chick was kind enough to send me dashing back to get another set.

The IKEA system is simple... sort of. Once in the entrance, you have to walk through the entire shop to get to the till. Arrows on the floor mark the direction of traffic flow, effectively making it one way. Getting through IKEA once is an effort, making you way through IKEA backwards is another thing entirely. I rushed back through the aisles of self-constructing furniture, past the outdoor section, over the retard kid rolling in the walkway, through the lamps and lighting... I figured if I followed the arrows backwards I would retrace my steps to the wine glasses.

The déjà vu started in the bathroom section. Have I been there before, or is it just because it looks like the kitchen section? And going through the mirror department in a rush was like an optical illusion. At one stage I found myself following the arrows in the correct direction... I had managed to join the flow of traffic towards the exit and still didn't know where the hell the glassware was. Stepping over the retard again and dodging the picnicking family on their day out, I retraced my steps for the second time.

After much disorientation, I found the wine glasses and made my way back to the tills. Of course, by this late stage of the morning, the check-out area was starting to look like a central African food market...

On the upside, we managed to drive all the way to IKEA and back without getting lost or driving on the wrong side of the road. So all in all, relatively smooth operation.