Friday, November 17, 2006

Home affairs and sex shops

So I piled R into the car with me to pay yet ANOTHER visit to Home Affairs. R also got introduced to my driving style of singing along to any song with gusto, with or without the correct lyrics... "Don't feel like dancing, dancing... digidigidigiwoooooooo!"

At Randburg, Princess - my favourite car guard - welcomed me with a wide grin of recognition and one of the caravan picture-pushers greeted me with a "no pictures today, just collection for you!"

I'm not joking when I say I've been to home affairs a lot lately.. They dig me.

Anywho, passport is still not ready for collection, but it was worth a try while we were there, so we pottered on down past the cows and chickens to the ID department, to be met with patient chaos. Chaos in that there was no queue and no system, and no one behind the counter. Patient in that most people were sitting waiting for nothing to happen - bar one guy who had taken it upon himself to rifle through documentation behind the counter.

After about half an hour of sitting doing nothing, one of the other ladies informed me that it wasn't actually a queue and that I should just push my way in for attention at the counter. Aaaaaah... so THIS is how South Africa works. Got it.

Birth certificate applied for and paid for, I watched the clerk behind the counter help himself to cash from the register and put it into his wallet. So THIS is how South Africa works.

Got back to work, only to be informed by Anger that I had to take her to a sex shop. Interesting concept on a random afternoon, but fortunately I live in a dodgy area so we pottered down Corlett to Hustler and Adult World... it was an eye opener for my loud-mouthed friend from Stanger.

I'm no porn star (I've got aspirations) but I've seen enough etv porn and spent enough time in Amsterdam to know that the ultimate dildo is the Rabbit Pearl 3000. Apparently there aren't many sex shops in Stanger.

Anger: Oooh, what about this?
Me: Do you even know what it is?
Anger: They're pearls.
Me: Yes.
Anger: What do they do?
Me: They go up...
Anger: Huh?
Me: They go up...
Anger: Oh! [drops package]

Some of our favourites were:
  1. The Seaman's pump
  2. The Thunder pump
  3. The Randy Russion doll - with her 'three horny love holes'
  4. The 'Ewe Loves You' blow-up
  5. The Titty-drinking straw
  6. The cum fest video - 'no holes barred'

It was a good way to end a bad week. Now I'm going to get drunk at the Rhodes purple party re-Onion.

Keep it sleazy.

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