Monday, November 13, 2006

Pa-ranting

Ahem… hi… I’m back and I can type (and edit copy) again. Sober Koekie. Drinking is very exciting in my world, it would seem.

So after winding my way home on Friday, I discovered that Boyfriend had gone out without me. How rude. I entertained myself by watching terrible movies like Little Shop of Horrors (Feeeed meeeeee, Seeeymour) and then went to bed/passed out. I woke up to hear Boyfriend coming home and I decided it was as good a time as any to pick a fight… Boyfriend eventually managed to get to sleep, but I remedied that problem by sitting on him, prodding him and telling him to “Communicate… COM-MU-NI-CATE.”

He loves me.

Before heading off to a pool party on Saturday, I flooded the kitchen by opening the washing machine when it hadn’t finished draining. Turns out there’s a lot of water in that little contraption. Ever the baboon, I did the same thing on Sunday morning.

Omigosh… I was going to move on from Sunday, but here comes the rant session. Why do people breed if they have no inclination to raise the offspring? See, we went to the Bot Gardens yesterday. Lovely day, chilling in the park…

Until Fat Mamma and her beeyatch arrived. Fat Mamma and Hubby had four children – the oldest was about 5, the youngest was about 6months old. You do the maths.

The kids names were Luke, Joshua, (something indistinguishable) and Screaming baby. I know because the couple spent most of their morning going, “Luuuuuuuke, come back here! Josh… Josh! No, get off that!”

It was mostly Fat Mamma sitting on her ass at the top of the hill screeching, while her Bitch ran around at the bottom of the hill trying to gather a toddler under each arm. In a way, I’m grateful that Fat Mamma stayed at the top of the hill, because had she moved the recovering 2004 tsunami victims may have felt the repercussions.

You might have noticed, I don’t like young kids and I REALLY don’t like people who can’t control young kids. At one stage, precious Luke actually came and stared at me from behind a tree about 30cm away. I felt a similar revulsion to when I stand on a squishy bug – but this could have been due to the smell that was exuding from dear Luke’s nappy. Think Roald Dahl’s The Witches… I have a similar aversion to children. Especially badly behaved ones.

Maternal, me? What biological clock?

As I sat, trying to avoid breathing through my nose, Fat Mamma’s bitch came to collect the monster. The father whipped him away threatening to give him a smack if he didn’t behave… and Luke laughed. Affective parenting 101. When your kids laughing to your face, at the age of 3… you’ve got problems.

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m talking about discipline – not abuse. But I pity the foolish offspring who tries to laugh at me one day. It won't happen. And for this reason, I have no desire to procreate.

A friend once told me that any child I breed should be confiscated at birth. I fully support the motion.

Moving on from my opinionated views….

After burning my finger in the hair straightener this morning, I felt I was good to go for a Monday. There was also a tree across our road – not a few branches, a tree. I think it rained solidly from about 8pm last night to about 4am, and then some more.

Two hours later, Boyfriend called me to inform me that he couldn’t get out of the house – not because of the tree but because he couldn’t find his keys…. Which I found in my car’s cubby hole. I didn’t even know they were there.

I then got to sit in the traffic and the rain, in order to get home and let my Boyfriend (looking like a monkey in a cage) out of the flat. He’s lucky I like him. On the upside, I got to listen to the Rude Awakening for the first time in about 6months.

15 comments:

Jeanne said...

Oh Koeks, what a morning. And its only 10:10. Crisis. (My team) Just got chewed out by the Big Boss (unfortunatly with good reason). Am feeling like such a winner!

ps: Booze has seeee.ri.asssss healing properties. Die Pers Gewaar's (fondly known as Kankle) swelling has gone down ten fold, but now that its not swollen and I have full movement back in my foot, it is hurting like an absolute Mo Fo.

chewthecud said...

haha - koekie with kids - little cupcakes running around, they'd be as accident prone as her ;P You scared someones gonna put the moves on the boyfriend? subconciously locking him away now?

Koekie said...

Cupcakes, I like it!

If I was subconsciously locking up boyfriend, I'd be locking him the bedroom...

ChewTheCud said...

thats if you were in there with him hun ;P

Anonymous said...

I was planning on making some blindingly profound revelation, but having read the previous comments, I think my gender precludes me from saying anything even vaguely redolent to the topic of having girlfriends lock the precious and ever-loving boyfriends in ther bedroom... with or without said girlfriend! It's just too painful a mammory *sob*

Koekie said...

Anon: are you saying you've been lucky enough to be locked up? Or have you blocked the memory?

Actually, don't answer either.

Champagne Heathen said...

To painful a mamory?? Freudian slip??

Koeks, what on earth are you talking about. I have you top of my list when I finally get that streetkid to be accepted by reprobate me as his mom!! And all other offspring I spawn. Now who am I meant to rely on.

At least I know they'll learn to swim fast. If they dare to crawl about in your kitchen!

Koekie said...

A few friends have already listed me as the number one disciplinary threat for their future kids...

"If you don't shut up and eat your veggies, so help me god, I'm sending you to Auntie Koekie for the weekend!"

I could charge for the service.

Anonymous said...

Koekie, like you never said that before...

Champagne Heathen said...

Is that why you had to lock Boyfriend in the house?? Cause he hadn't settled his bill yet!?!

ChewTheCud said...

"Accidents have been known to happen around Auntie Koekie!" - I bet that'll have them quivering in their boots. ;P

Koekie said...

haha... Boyfriend will never be able to settle his bill! I have to let him out to earn his keep ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hell, that's practically an intro for a contempory Mills & Boon thingie...

Koekie said...

haha.. how many Mills and Boone have you read in your time, anon?

I reckon if I was penning a M&B it would go something like this: "As Hamilton moved towards Charlotte, she could feel electricity surging through her... then she realised she had her hand on the open plug. She whipped her hand away, knocking over the lamp and elbowing Hammie in the nose with one fluid movement. In her attempt to recover the falling lamp, she succesfully kneed Hamilton in the groin, who fell to the ground with a slow exhalation..."

Anonymous said...

Good Lord woman, don't stop there! I'm getting all hot and bothered here